Empty Shell

Before you knew your Father’s love for you, you sought love in all the wrong places. You sought to be seen and recognized by your peers in your classes but you only existed as a wallflower in the shadows, someone to be relied on to get the work done. People didn’t strike up conversations to get to know you – you did it to get any semblance of normal. You can’t control being born with a face that at its natural rest looks terrifying to the eyes of the passerbys, but they’ve told you over and over again to adjust your body language and smile to be more friendly, more approachable. You did it when you tried, but it wasn’t natural, especially not in the midst of the sadness.

The 19 year old you placed too much value on determining love from being included in social events and was heartbroken each time the fraternities on campus celebrated National Women’s Day by passing out carnations. The you now, hates carnations, for they remind you of the number of times that even though you are female and old enough to be considered a woman in societal standards, you weren’t pretty enough or dolled up enough to be noticed and given a flower. You’d listen to the pledges and the brothers recite their creed on why they were passing out those carnations, wondering if they would notice you to the side and thank you for existing. You cried in your senior year when you finally received a carnation but then you took it and trashed it because it brought up so many regrets of why you never loved yourself.

The you right now cries for the lostness of your 19 year old self, never knowing how to love you as you were and cries harder now thinking of the fact that the current you truly isn’t so different from the 19 year old you. You still don’t know how to love yourself and you get noticed now, but it’s a hollow feeling. You wear makeup, just enough everyday to be somewhat noticed and to not fall back into the wallpaper but you still don’t truly love yourself. You’ve been forgiven, and you know that in the depths of your insecurities, your Father loves you through it all. 

Thoughtful Thursday – 2015 New Year’s Brain Dump

Hello Wonderlanders!

Happy New Year!  I hope that everyone starts the new year in good health, and with a fresh start.  Not that you can’t have a fresh start on any other day, but to be cliche, new years are always something exciting.  This post is more like a collection of multiple vignettes from this week that snapshot my thoughts and emotions.  I’m really worried about spamming my subscribers’ inboxes, so I try to collect these.  Eventually when I get better at this coding thing and making everything work, I’ll create an option for people to only receive one newsletter a week.  Count that as a goal.  😉

Since I’ve utterly failed 3/5 days this week to keep to my posted schedule, I’ll be attempting to use the theme for next week.

It’s getting closer to the time for me to move back to the suites and I always get moodier and more anxious when I do so.  This break was, for the most part, relaxing.  But it was overshadowed by anxiety and moodiness, and fights with my mom, and spurts of inspiration among other things.

Nostalgia – My Mom

I love my mom, and we’ll probably never see everything eye to eye, and as crazy as I think she is at times, she’ll always be my mom.  I listen to the advice she gives with a grain of salt, because I know it’s good advice, but I’m stubborn and I’ve got to touch the fire to learn that it really burns.  She knows this too, and she laments that I’m not like my oldest brother who listened to almost everything she said.  But I’ll be okay.  Because I’m different from them.  My oldest brother, in my most recent birthday card wrote,

” One thing I’ve always admired about you is tenacity – you pursue what you want and don’t back down.”

I don’t think I’ve ever quite realized it’s called tenacity.  I’ve always called it sheer stubbornness to my mother’s despair, and her graying hair is evidence of it.

Spoiled. Unproductive.

This week, I wanted to do a lot.  And I did very little of it. I had ideas for what I was going to write, but then I didn’t follow through.  I got sucked into this mood of neediness and insecurity and wanting to spend time with my parents even though I wanted to be away from them already.  My time slipped through my fingers like grains of sand and very little was accomplished.  I still owe my penpals their letters, and my dear dad got me stamps.  He always spoils me in little ways, sometimes behind my mom’s back like when he comes to my suite at 6:30 in the morning to drop off some food for me, or to bring me my jackets because I’m freezing and it’s raining and my roommates like to keep the suite cozy at 70-74 degrees Fahrenheit.

Gifts

My mom gave me three big gifts this season.  They are also from my dad, but he doesn’t usually find out til after the bills come in.  I got running shoes from Sketchers from Costco.  This isn’t a big deal, but to me, it means a lot to me that my parents still pay for things that I can afford, especially because I know that they are financially stretched.  My mom, like my Amah (grandma in Taiwanese), likes her lipstick for when she goes out of the house.  If she forgot it in her purse or can’t find it and there’s a beauty department nearby, she’ll sometimes buy a new one.  Which is how she ends up with a small collection of them.  She gave me a really gorgeous Yves St. Laurent lipstick in what I think is their color “Fetish Pink.”  The last gift was her Michael Kors Jet Set Logo Tote in white.  Yes, she’s used the lipstick, and the tote, but it still means much to me to have them.  I’m not trying to brag.  I’m just sharing something that means a lot to me from my parents so that days down or years down the road I can look back at this to try and remember the good from all the negative.  I received many other gifts from friends and family, and they too are cherished items.

Xoxo

Allys

Thoughtful Thursday – Holiday & Christmas Edition

Hello Wonderlanders!

This holiday season, when you meet with family, try your damnedest to see things from other’s perspectives when you beg or fight to disagree.  Say “I love you” to the people that matter to you and mean from the bottom of your heart.  Treasure and cherish the moments you have together.  Put down that phone, that tablet, and that computer or other electronic gadget and be in the moment and present with your family and friends.  Create memories of attentiveness that will last a lifetime instead of missing the little things in your haste to document everything on video or photo.

We are too often confined and addicted to our gadgets and social media that we forget to live in the now.  Breathe.  Stop. Look around, smell the air, feel your environment with all of your senses and really try to mentally pay attention to what Uncle Bob is saying instead of staring down at your phone, nodding your head and saying “Uh-huh.”  Memorize people’s faces as you talk and really think about what they’ve said, what they’re trying to say, and what’s to be read between the lines.

Stop with the distracting accessories and really spend time with your family.  You’ll fall in love with them all over again as you pay attention to the genuineness of your interaction.

Merry Christmas from my family to yours! May the day bring you peace, love, and joy for the year to come.

Sincerely always, 

Allys