Empty Shell

Before you knew your Father’s love for you, you sought love in all the wrong places. You sought to be seen and recognized by your peers in your classes but you only existed as a wallflower in the shadows, someone to be relied on to get the work done. People didn’t strike up conversations to get to know you – you did it to get any semblance of normal. You can’t control being born with a face that at its natural rest looks terrifying to the eyes of the passerbys, but they’ve told you over and over again to adjust your body language and smile to be more friendly, more approachable. You did it when you tried, but it wasn’t natural, especially not in the midst of the sadness.

The 19 year old you placed too much value on determining love from being included in social events and was heartbroken each time the fraternities on campus celebrated National Women’s Day by passing out carnations. The you now, hates carnations, for they remind you of the number of times that even though you are female and old enough to be considered a woman in societal standards, you weren’t pretty enough or dolled up enough to be noticed and given a flower. You’d listen to the pledges and the brothers recite their creed on why they were passing out those carnations, wondering if they would notice you to the side and thank you for existing. You cried in your senior year when you finally received a carnation but then you took it and trashed it because it brought up so many regrets of why you never loved yourself.

The you right now cries for the lostness of your 19 year old self, never knowing how to love you as you were and cries harder now thinking of the fact that the current you truly isn’t so different from the 19 year old you. You still don’t know how to love yourself and you get noticed now, but it’s a hollow feeling. You wear makeup, just enough everyday to be somewhat noticed and to not fall back into the wallpaper but you still don’t truly love yourself. You’ve been forgiven, and you know that in the depths of your insecurities, your Father loves you through it all. 

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