First Encounter: Racism

The first time I encountered racism, I was five. I was in kindergarten and it came from a fellow classmate whose ethnic origins hailed from Spain. We were in the cafeteria eating lunch and there were tensions at the time between China and the United States. She turned to me and said “Go back to your stupid China!” 

Stupid is a big, bad word for a five year old. (And for any primary school student up until they learn the other bad words.) It cut deep, this hurt. To be rejected for something completely unrelated to me for something we as five year olds didn’t even understand. And to be honest, I’m not from China. 

I was born in the United States, but by simply looking at me, you wouldn’t know this. Yes, I am of Taiwanese descent and I look Asian and that’s the first thing people see when they look at me. People take all sorts of assumptions when they look at someone of color and presume to know if they are American or not. I’m American. I was born in the United States and regardless of the color of my skin, it is how I identify. 

The lesson in this, is that there are witnesses to our actions everywhere. This first encounter hasn’t stopped me from loving people who are different from me, and learning to love my enemies and wish them well. But we need to be aware of the behavior we model in our society, in front of the children. They mimic behavior and repeat words that they hear. They see the antagonism at home and they project it out towards others. Family is a big influencer in our thought processes and our values. When we speak ill of others and wish them harm, someone is witness to this, and we perpetuate this cycle of negativity, hatred, and discord. The innocent can be harsh mirrors of our reality. 

Think before you speak. Think before you act. Ask yourself, “Is this the kind thing to do?” 

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Empty Shell

Before you knew your Father’s love for you, you sought love in all the wrong places. You sought to be seen and recognized by your peers in your classes but you only existed as a wallflower in the shadows, someone to be relied on to get the work done. People didn’t strike up conversations to get to know you – you did it to get any semblance of normal. You can’t control being born with a face that at its natural rest looks terrifying to the eyes of the passerbys, but they’ve told you over and over again to adjust your body language and smile to be more friendly, more approachable. You did it when you tried, but it wasn’t natural, especially not in the midst of the sadness.

The 19 year old you placed too much value on determining love from being included in social events and was heartbroken each time the fraternities on campus celebrated National Women’s Day by passing out carnations. The you now, hates carnations, for they remind you of the number of times that even though you are female and old enough to be considered a woman in societal standards, you weren’t pretty enough or dolled up enough to be noticed and given a flower. You’d listen to the pledges and the brothers recite their creed on why they were passing out those carnations, wondering if they would notice you to the side and thank you for existing. You cried in your senior year when you finally received a carnation but then you took it and trashed it because it brought up so many regrets of why you never loved yourself.

The you right now cries for the lostness of your 19 year old self, never knowing how to love you as you were and cries harder now thinking of the fact that the current you truly isn’t so different from the 19 year old you. You still don’t know how to love yourself and you get noticed now, but it’s a hollow feeling. You wear makeup, just enough everyday to be somewhat noticed and to not fall back into the wallpaper but you still don’t truly love yourself. You’ve been forgiven, and you know that in the depths of your insecurities, your Father loves you through it all. 

BLOG-TEMBER DAY 2: An Ideal Day

Hello all!

Wednesday, September 2: Describe your ideal day.  Where would you go and what would you do?

My ideal day would start with me waking up from a great 8 hour nap followed by a relaxed morning routine that culminated with a light refreshing breakfast.  If the weather is nice, I would take my dog on a long walk before coming back to my desk to work on my journal, planner, or pen pal letter. I would not have work that day, and food would be magically prepared and available right away.  I would be able to easily multi-task and watch several crime procedurals on Netflix of Hulu as I accomplished my tasks, and the room would also be capable of magically putting itself back in order.

With my return to living home alone and my part-time jobs, I have been so much busier and worse yet, exhausted from minimal sleep, long hours sitting in traffic, and a non-existent diet because I am very unmotivated to do any sort of cooking.  When classes were in session, my ideal day would’ve included riding horses and taking care of them.  But times change, and so do our goals and desires. What would your perfect day be like?

BLOG-TEMBER DAY 1 : Meet Allys

Hello to all of you who have stumbled across my little blog!

It’s been about a little over half a year since I’ve last written on this blog and it’s been an honest challenge to find balance in my life.  (More on that in a later post.)  To get back into blogging, I’ve decided to jump into Bailey Jean”s (from Brave Love Blog) annual blog-tember challenge!

Tuesday, September 1: Introduce yourself however you like! Pics, collage, vlog, your choice!

I’m a 21 year old full time student, working towards my bachelor’s degree, and working my butt off to fund all the adventures I want to embark on.  I’m majoring in Business Administration with an emphasis in International Business, and a minor in Chinese Studies.  I work multiple jobs at a time to off set the costs of my desires and the #BobaAddiction I have.

I’m an advocate for mental health awareness and the LGBTQ community because it is a part of both my and my loved ones’ daily lives.  I am open about my bouts with depression because #WeAreNotAlone.  I openly share my experiences, negative and positive, because honesty and truth will help us all reach our goals in life.  I believe that lies set us back, and that it takes far more courage to be honest in the face of maintaining a relationship.

I struggle with being a binge eater and impulse control when it comes to pretty things that catch my eye like planners (I have a love for analogue), washi tape, pretty handwriting, calligraphy, ephemera, photo-polymer stamps and more.

I am an INFP/INFJ (trust me, the test couldn’t decide which I fit best), and I am motivated by helping others. I believe that we should all serve and protect, and that we should leave this world a better place than how we entered it.

I will take the lead when need be, but the spotlight brings up some anxiety for me, and I can’t accept a compliment graciously because it unnerves me.  I prefer to work behind the scenes to get things done, as long as I get to fulfill my goal of helping others.

Please join me as I set out to blog with the #blogtemberchallenge!

Delay of Post

Hello Wonderlanders!

I apologize for the delay in posting – I’ll still be doing a ManiMonday post, but it’ll be in conjunction with Tuesday Tip & Review as I haven’t been able to take care of my nails yet.  I’ve got some house cleaning to finish that will ruin my nails so I’ve decided to finish it first before starting a new mani.  I have other nail stories that I could write about, but I’d like to do something for New Year’s Eve so I’m delaying the post. 

Xoxo,

Allys

The Very Beginning

Welcome!  Bienvenidos!  你好!

If you’ve find my blog quite by accident, or if you did it with intent, have no worries – this is a safe place.  At least for me.  To unload the things I’ve been thinking of, the things that fascinate me, and my observations of the world at large.  You are about to embark with me on a journey of self-discovery in the midst of the toils of growing into womanhood, identity and independence. I want to see life through eyes of wonderment.

I start this blog with the intention of sharing my insights and creativity and need for organization.  I may end up discussing some hard topics, or I may have many happy posts filled with wonderment at our world.  My goal is to try and focus on the good, and not be too overly critical or disillusioned of the lives we lead, but I can guarantee no promises.

Anything I write is my own thoughts and opinions (unless noted otherwise) as I am not sponsored or affiliated to any organization at this time.

Thank you for joining me.

xo,
Allys